Senthose the Wingman

A look into the daily life of KtC's group of antagonists, the Avici:

7 years ago, I faked my own demise and joined the Avici. Eventually, I became the leader of the organization, the Sovereign Avici. Last week I found out that was a lot like being in a shitty romantic comedy.

~1 Week Earlier!~

“What? You’re leaving for a week? What the Hell am I supposed to do with my time? You know I can’t tolerate boredom.”

I was freeloading in Degoth’s palace. I figured, hey, what he didn’t know wouldn’t hurt him. And that bastard had HD in every room. I’d planned for it to be just me and Celia, an assassin chick with a sweet ass I met after joining the Avici. Unfortunately, they found out about my squatting plans, & threatened to blow my cover if I didn’t bring them along. So it was Pruslas and I sitting in the guest bedroom, myself blasting people with EZ-Cheese out of the 4th story window, when Celia came in and announced that she was leaving me alone with these piles of human garbage for the next week.

“I’m sorry, Senthose, but I just found out a good friend of mine died and I want to be there for the funeral.”

“You have friends? I kind of always assumed you were randomly dropped into the story to serve as my right-hand man. Err, woman.”

“What?”

“Nothing. Point is, what am I supposed to do with my time?”

Celia shrugged. Before she stepped out of the room, she turned back and said, “Try bonding with your coworkers.”

Pruslas, the pale dress-wearing weirdo that he is, spoke up. As always when he starts talking, I had to suppress a strong urge to cut his throat and toss him out the window. “Does she know you murdered your old girlfriend?”

“Yeah.”

“Then how…?”

“I am super persuasive.”

“In that case, do you think you can help me with something?”

The thought of assisting a sexually-repressed former cultist with a favor that was undoubtedly going to turn out to be a sex quest filled me with dread, but on the other hand, Celia left 10 minutes ago, and I was growing bored. So it was either that or go on a killing spree. And Degoth would surely chuck me out if I started murdering his guards for my own personal amusement.

“Okay. Our first step should be to peruse the city. But since I don’t know how to find the damn bathroom in this place, much less the exit, we’re just gonna have to wander the halls aimlessly until we stumble across a fire escape, or something.”

And so we did. At the ground floor, we came across Barbatos, who was eating an extra-rare rib in the kitchen. I made my way to the exit, but Pruslas grabbed my arm.

“Hey…Barbatos is a woman, isn’t she?”

I watched her as she tore a chunk of meat off of the rib, scraping the bone loudly with her teeth, flecks of blood flying off of her lips.

“Hmm…technically, I suppose….”

Entering the kitchen behind her, I decided to make small talk. “Barbatos, I don’t like you, & you don’t like me, & I hate you, so let’s just make this quick: Would you be interested in your esteemed colleague?”

“I don’t know,” she responded, “You’re kind of a girly-man.”

“Not. Me.”

“Aamon’s also a bit scrawny.”

“Not him either. The other one.”

“…Degoth?”

“He’s not even—what?! Pruslas, you idiot, Pruslas!”

“Oh. Sure, I guess I could give him a shot. Hope he likes it rough.”

“Dunno. What is it you’re eating, anyway?”

“My ex-boyfriend.”

“Ah. I see.” Turning to Pruslas, I added, “You know, these inter-office romances very rarely work out.”

“Ya THINK!? Get me out of here, already!”

A few hours later found us standing on the beach that evening. We were getting weird looks from the few who were there, undoubtedly because Pruslas was wearing a dress. My own robes, I am sure, looked nothing like a dress and were not out-of-place at all. Yep. As usual, it was all Pruslas’s fault. The dick.

“Okay, so everyone in Gehenna said you looked weak and pathetic, and that one woman punched you.”

“It hurt my feelings. As well as my diaphragm.”

“Yeah, no one cares. The point is, people in my old town don’t have as high of standards. And if that fails, I can always set you on fire, and we can work with the ‘tragic burn victim pity sex’ angle. But I’m sure it won’t come to that…(unless I want it to.)”

“I can hear that.”

“No you can’t. (Doesn’t mean I’m not gonna do it, though.)”

“Just because you’re whispering, it doesn’t mean I can’t hear.”

“Hey, look at the change of topic on her!”

I pointed to a woman a little older than myself with black hair walking down the boardwalk.

“Alright, I remember her, we went to school together. Her brother died when she was in middle school, and she never quite got over it. So, all you have to do is direct the topic to the old days in school, and she’ll mention it. Spin some tragic tale of your own about a dead sibling, maybe add a few water works. She’ll get all empathetic, at which point you offer her a coconut cluster in apology—they’re her favorite—and after that even you shouldn’t be able to fuck it up.”

“…That sounds incredibly manipulative.”

“What? How.”

“Well, you’re profiting off of someone else’s misfortune with lies and chicanery.”

“So?”

“It’s kinda…impolite? Sociopathic? Along those lines.”

“I still don’t follow.”

“Doesn’t it make you feel bad?”

“...I don’t understand the question.”

“…We’re not stringing her along with tales of dead kids.”

“Oh, alright, if you’re going to be a non-scheming baby about it, I guess we could just talk to her. Hey, lady, we were wondering if we could have a word about—“

When she looked at me, her eyes widened in shock. “Hey, you’re that Senthose kid, aren’t you? The one who disappeared a few years back?”

“…What? No. Never heard of him.”

“Yeah, you look just like him! What have you been doing with your time?”

“Nothing evil, I assure you.”

“Man, everyone’s gonna be so happy to find out you’re alive.”

“No they won’t. In fact, they don’t ever need to know about this.”

“You were always such a kidder.”

As she turned to dial on a pay phone, I gave Pruslas a look and shrugged. Bending down, I grabbed a rock and chucked it at the back of her head. She fell like a sack of potatoes. A few hours later, I was patting down some dirt over a large mound in the woods.

“Hey, I wanted to thank you for helping with the body.”

“I thought you just meant digging a hole…not…those things…with the hacksaw….” He grabbed his mouth and swallowed forcefully.

“Sure you don’t want a go? The body’s probably still warm.”

“No. In fact, let’s never repeat today for as long as we live. I have enough nightmares to last me a lifetime.”

“Suit yourself.”

As he walked off into the woods, I looked around to make sure I was still alone. Then I formed the shape of a gun with my fingers and yelled, “Boom, headshot!”

~Present~

“And that is my story.”

Aamon glared at me. “I am trying to enter the lavatory! Why do you keep going on about this ridiculous girl hunt of yours & Pruslas’s? When does your empty-headed concubine return, anyway?”

“Hey, did I ever tell you about the time Barbatos and I solved the Mystery of the Ghost Pirates?”

“Shut! Up!”

“Once upon a time….”

I lol'd a bit.

I'll have to be sure to write a sequal in which Senthose & Barbatos solve the mystery of the ghost pirates.

Spoilers: Degoth summoned the legions of hell again in boredom and Pensitown gets destroyed.

That would be kind of hard to do, since I've never established whether or not there is a Hell in KtC.

You could argue that there's a God, if you count Yggdrasil.

Senthose and Barbatos Solve the Mystery of the Ghost Pirates

“…we were walking along a road when suddenly we found ourselves in Penistown, a town in the middle of a lake.”

“Wait, how do you get into the middle of a lake from a road?” Aamon is asking me.

“Is this your story?” I am retorting. “No? Then shut up. So, as I was saying, we ended up in Penistown, when suddenly, a Spanish Galleon came down the river, turned to its broadside, and fired its cannons into the town! And then…aren’t you going to ask what a ‘Spain’ is? Or how a galleon can maneuver through a river?”

“No. I’ve resigned myself to my fate,” Aamon says to me, with a heavy sigh.

“Good. The next day after the Pruslas Fiasco…”

…I found myself in Penistown with Barbatos. We’d gone there because there were rumors that we were freeloading in Degoth’s castle and wanted to lay low for a while. We found a nice Italian restaurant and sat down to eat when the aforementioned Spanish Galleon attacked. Then we heard a loud, booming voice.

“Argh, if’n ye want to live to not be seein’ another barrage, ye’ll be givin’ us all of ye valuables! We return at dawn.”

I wondered why he was going to leave and come back at dawn. Surely the authorities would be ready by then. I considered the very real possibility that this man was an illiterate moron. At dawn, we were awoken by another barrage of cannonfire.

“What the Hell? How were these people not arrested?” I asked, tying off a black bath robe & slipping into black bunny slippers. Barbatos had slept in her armor.

“Arrested? The first thing I did when coming here was kill the police so they couldn’t arrest US. You can never be too careful.”

“…Goddamnit, Barbatos.”

Our door was kicked in & an absurdly angry parrot flew into my face, scratching at my eyes while screeching, “Polly wanna cut you!” A burly looking pirate at least twice Barbatos’s size held a knife to her throat. That proved to be a mistake, as she easily wrestled the knife from him, stabbed him many times in the back, and bit off his ear, for some reason. After the parrot flew out of the window, we left the scene. On the docks, we saw the town in flames, pirates running to and fro.

“Egad!” I proclaimed, “Ghost pirates!”

“Wait…what makes you think they’re gho—“

“GHOST PIRATES! We have to save the town!”

“…Why?”

We climbed the anchor rope to get up on deck. Once there, the Captain turned to me. He had a long, black beard, and an eyepatch. He pulled out his sword and sliced at me. I blocked. Meanwhile, Barbatos was occupying herself by eviscerating the crew with her claws. The pirate pulled off his eyepatch, slipped behind me, and sliced again. This time, I just kind of moved to one side.

“You fight well, for a woman.”

I was about to rip off his stupid beard when the fucking psychotic parrot came back. After a bit of scrabbling, I managed to snap its neck, but the pirate stabbed me in the stomach.

“Fuck this,” I yelled into the night, “Hypernova!”

And the blue-white beam of energy lanced through the night, ripping apart the ship, probably vaporizing a good portion of the lake, & setting the pirates on fire before it impacted the town, exploding. The resulting shockwave hurled tons of ash into the air, and I believe their winter came early because of it.

~Present~

“And that is how Barbatos and I solved the Mystery of the Ghost Pirates.”

“What mystery!? You just attacked a bunch of pirates and blew up the city when you couldn’t get yourself out of that mess!”

“The mystery is why I didn’t blow it up sooner.”

“FFFFFFFFF—“

Barbatos walked up behind him. Clearing her throat, she said, “You know, technically, he’s not wrong.”

“But he SHOULD be!”

“Will Aamon ever get to the bathroom?” I ask no one in particular. “Are there any other Avici field trips to be covered? Will the pirates come back for revenge? Probably not, on all of these. But, if there IS a next time, tune in for the exciting conclusion!”

See my previous response.

That's not fair, it can't be as bad as Senthose The Wingman.

They're both awful.

But the latter is slightly less awful.

Your Mileage May Vary.

So you preferred Senthose the Wingman?

I liked the second one more.

Called it. Penistown ALWAYS gets destroyed.

This is like GreasyMoose on acid.

Never heard of it. Thanks? I guess?

-(A bit off topic, but...)What the hell is GreasyMoose?
And there's something about Senthose...I've shown a lot of people some of the stuff where he was involved and I got strange reactions.

Masturbation is a perfectly normal reaction.

I google-imged Senthose. It showed me Neo's siggy and mine. Yeah, I don't know.

kisukeFan_4337 wrote:

-(A bit off topic, but...)What the hell is GreasyMoose?

Also known as Sexual Lobster. You can find his stuff on Newgrounds.

And Senthose is almost as well-known as Watergun Medic Samurai.

Sephiroth is pretty well known. I say it counts.

I've been saying that for years.

Sephiroth is awesome(As a bad guy). I called myself SephirothBahamutKid on DeviantArt, which was put together pretty quickly. Just loosely based on "Nintendokid", which I used for a forum a year ago.

No, they weren't masturbating.

Sephiroth. Awesome. You joker.