Descent Into Madness

*Like all half-assed cliche dungeon crawler stories, this one begins in a tavern. Seraph is swaying at the counter, waving a half-drunken bottle of alcohol while a healthy pile of other bottles lay at his feet & a big, burly man behind the counter glares at him. Barring any ham-fisted retcons involving amnesia down the road, our intrepid stupid heroes sociopaths are total strangers to each other.*

"More--hic--more booze, slave! I...I am the Emperor!"

<I think you've head enough. Yer gonna pay for those, right?>

"Sho--shuuur. I can...I'll magic up a MILLION dollars for you!"

*He raises his arms, as if invoking a deity, or something.*

<30 bucks will suffice, thanks.>

"Just...just tur'roun'...tur'roun'."

*Seraph keeps making a spinning motion with his finger, but the bartender does not turn around.*

*Marie floats above the next stool over*

<I'll pay you 60 bucks to punch the drunk bitch in the face.>

Paris swayed up to the bar and sat down, making an unnecessarily long show of crossing her grey-yellow legs and resting her bony chin on her wrinkled palm.
"How y'all doin'?" She asked, with a posed look.
Meanwhile Big Paulie sat in a corner seat blowing smoke.

Kiken entered the tavern and went up to the counter. Adressing the man behind the counter saying with a charming smile:
- Hello! What dishes do this fine establishment got?

*He looks from Kiken to Marie.*

<Think we can cook rabbit.>

*He looks over his shoulder.*

<HEY, SAL, CAN YOU COOK RABBIT?!>

Sal<What?!>

"ABRACADABRA!"

*Seraph breaks the bottle on the counter, then jumps over it. Tackling the bartender the ground, he stabs until he hears the screams stop, then stands up. Straightening his hat, he looks along the people staring at him.*

"His fault. Hurt m'hip jumpin' over the--the counter, here, so I killed him. With magic."

*He pockets the broken bottle & holds his hands up.*

"See? Nuthin' in my hands. So gimme no shit, else'll turn you to a toad."

*He hiccups.*

*Marie sets the bartender and cook on fire, then looks at Kiken*

<You don't wanna be next.>

"Boys, you don't have to fight over me!" Paris laughed mischievously. Big Paulie stared at Seraph and tapped the last ashes of his cigar into an ash tray.

Rabbit sounded good, but then a man by the counter jumped over it and stabbed the bartender and Kiken looks at it intruiged. Then both the corpse of the bartender and the cook caught fire, which was annoying because Kiken had been looking forward to food. A woman by the counter adressed her and Kiken gave her a reserved glance but before getting around to say anything, another woman - with a weird appearance - also sitting by the counter said not to fight over her. Mischievously smiling back at the woman Kiken answered:
- Well, if you want to I can give you a lesson.

*Seraph looks at Paris.*

"You're really gross. Luckily, my next spell will double both as an escape & a fix to your obvious deformities."

*He says this while uncorking a bottle & stuffing a rag into it.*

???<Hey, that crazy old guy's trying to set us on fire! Get him!>

"Rabid weasel! Attack!"

*He reaches into his Hello Kitty purse with his free hand & pulls out bloody chunks of guts & fur, tossing them at the mob, which blinds them & causes them to slip over each other.*

*Marie jumps sets the mob on fire anyway, while laughing like a maniac*

<You'll bitches! Bitches I say!>

Perhaps crude to Kiken's taste, but with glistening eyes following the burning mob and certain parts beginning to tingle. Now, would the weird looking woman take up the offer of a lesson?

"A lesson? Like an acting lesson? I'm already an actress," Paris said. "I mean, acting school was useless, I already know I'm ready. Buy me a drink?"
Big Paulie jumped up onto a table that split in half due to his weight, then stood back up again with his pistol out and started firing into the ceiling, "Has everybody in here gone fucking crazy?! Am I the only one who follows the fuckin' rules?!"
At this moment, the entrance burst opened to reveal a tall, dark and mysterious figure- a vampire of unimaginable beauty and darkest black darkness, the Count Bombastus Felch. He stood with his fists planted on his hips.

*Seraph attempts a running jump out of the nearest window, but he just smacks into it & falls down.*

"OW! FUCK THIS SON OF A FUCKING BITCH! FUCKING OW!"

*He stands up, rubbing his head.*

"Who the fuck put this here?! I am a senior citizen, I have rights, & I'm gonna sue! ...Answer me, you--"

*He opens his eyes, noticing the dead body behind the counter.*

"Oh yeah. Heheh."

"Do you know who I am?" Count Felch asked the entire tavern loudly, with a posed look. Big Paulie slapped another clip into his pistol and aimed it at Felch.

*Marie sets Felch on fire*

<Don't know, don't care.>

"Well aren't you... precocious," Felch dusted the fire out with his hands. "Just the kind of go-getter I want to join my nefarious entourage!"
Big Paulie shot him in the head. Felch shrugged, "More the merrier!"

Astarte wrote:

"A lesson? Like an acting lesson? I'm already an actress," Paris said. "I mean, acting school was useless, I already know I'm ready. Buy me a drink?"

So this was just one of those bimbos that surely needed a lesson or two. "I think you got it wrong who should buy who a drink" Kiken said, hinting strongly that it was the other way around as well as it wasn't quite what the woman thought. But then other more interessting things happened which took Kiken's direct attention. A man that could dust out fire and survive a shot in the head - that was someone Kiken would love to have as customer!

*Seraph is busy breaking the window with his staff. When he knocks enough of the glass out, he starts to climb through, sustaining several cuts on his hands & back.*

"OW! FUCK! OW!"

*Some of his blood falls to the floor.*

*Marie flips him off, then shoves Seraph through the window*

"Hey, you, old person," Felch stepped back outside and beckoned to Seraph. "What about you? I'll pay you."
"What? You're weird," Paris turned away from Kiken.

Astarte wrote:

"What? You're weird," Paris turned away from Kiken.

"Look who's talking" Kiken answered with a sneer, then went out of the tavern. It didn't seem like this were the place to get a meal. Besides, it seemed way more interesting outside.

*Seraph leans on his staff.*

"Pay me for what?"

Marie:<Sex?>

"For following me into the darkest corners of the Earth, and razing villages in my wake!" Felch said, practically hitting climax right there. "Any of you powerful creatures are welcome, so long as you call me 'the Count' and don't particularly like garlic."

Marie:<You might want to rethink that name unless you teach children how to count in your spare time.>